How NOT to clean marble with vinegar

My name is Tony Lelkes and I am the head honcho of these marble restoration classes which are held monthly in our factory for 10 people at a time.
As sure as the daybreak come every morning, someone during this training ask the question “Is it OK to clean marble floor with vinegar?” This innocent question is as kind to me, as the demolition hammer to the building. It ruins my day along with my appetite. I am telling you, it is a BIG BLOW. It is a pain in Ass-yria. After swallowing a dozen Valium tablets, here is my answer.



Let’s pretend that we are back in the mid 1800’s when people around the Mississippi river, believed in most everything they were told as long as it was packaged well. Here is my package.

This is how Huckleberry Fin would have answered this question. (Remember Mark Twain the author)


Listen, said Huckleberry to his friend Tom, if you really want to know the secret as to how I do marble polishing with vinegar then do this. Go to the graveyard with a vacuum cleaner filled with vinegar and a dead cat in hand at midnight when the moon is full. Put the vacuum cleaner on a yesterday’s grave and open it’s lid then dunk the cat in it. Make sure it gets wet all over. Now wait for the devil to come. You can’t see him only hear something like the wind when it takes the corps away. Then say loud; ‘devil follow corps, cat follow vinegar.” Close your eyes and walk backwards 5 steps and says aloud, Mary, Joseph, Paul come to help me, say it 5 times. Then swirl around 3 times to your left while keeping the dead can steady in your hand. Pluck one hair out of the cat and put it on the grave. Now pick up the vacuum cleaner and take it home (don’t forget the cat) just as sun break through the clouds, drag the cat across the marble floor and the marble is restored and will be shiny as the midnight moon.”

Caution, if the devil doesn’t like your finished floor which turn out to be messy, then come to my marble training seminar and learn how to do it right.
Oldwife’s tale doesn’t die, just go to sleep.

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